Sunday, June 13, 2010

Lack of Intimacy / Time Alone

The most important event of my week has been facing the reality of how my life utterly lacks intimacy.  One would think that a person seeking a life of solitude and prayer would not need intimacy, but you would be wrong.  I don't need a significant other, or a lover, because when I seriously think about it it becomes painfully obvious to me that no human can ever bring me the intimacy I need, that I am looking for.

I have a limited number of friends whom I talk with, mainly on Facebook, and one on the phone, other than that, it's just me.  Even as I pine for something more with someone else, I know that nothing else is going to work, and that even if I had the "perfect" someone, it would never be what I have given up everything to find.  Twice I've determined to just stop, to quit and face I was not cut out for this life, yet, a powerful realization hit me...what would I do?  Go back to my previous style of life?  Reapply all those layers of false self that so much pain removed?  

No, that is not an option.  There is no going back.  I am alone now, and until God opens intimacy to me, then I will be as I am, waiting.  "They serve too, who sit and wait."
Posted by Steve T at 8:35 PM

1 comments:

  1. I cannot count the times I too have applied those words of Milton to my own condition; it is perhaps enough, sometimes, to merely endure what I call the situation of divine lonliness. In this self impossed solitude, where longing is not absent, but an ever present energy in need of rechaneling, I have learned to love the emptyness that God Alone can fill. I guess the desire for female companionship is a cross I will bear for a long, long time.
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