Friday Night, Eve of the Assumption

I am here again with more meanderings about life and God. Today the Social Security Administration contacted me by mail, alerting me to the time and place of my disability hearing. I did the paper work they wanted and sent it back immediately.

Then I came home and had an anxiety attack. Yes, a good, old fashioned, heart pounding, anxiety attack. The funny thing is I've been anticipating the arrival of this letter for some time so, at long last, it could be written on the calendar: date and time. Then the anxiety attack.

Whenever we have to leave our fate in someone else's hands, whether it is an administrative law judge, or even God, we are our most vulnerable, and least trusting. That got me to thinking about how we suppose and hope that we leave things in God's hands, but do we really? Have I really left my prayers and concerns in the hands of God or do I constantly try to keep tabs on them, just to make sure God doesn't forget.

Age, pain, experience, and life itself has brought me to this point where I am able to see that all that I think I know, is nothing more than a reflection of what I simply do not know. What bothers me here is that I want to trust God more than I seem to do currently. If I'm hesitant to leave my hearing in the hands of God and an administrative court judge, then what else am I hesitant to leave to God?

The implication is -- everything! For a long time I've felt that I do not love God enough. I am easily distracted by too many things, and let them have an unwarranted importance. I pray all the time, help me to love you more, help me to really love you. This wannabe that I feel like upsets me, because I know that love of God is in my life, but it is NOT enough love of God.

Okay, now I'm sure I've stopped making sense. That's all until tomorrow.

May God bring us altogether to everlasting life.