So Long Devoid of Feelings

I have plenty of feelings today...I'm mad. Why? You ask.

How should I know? I'm just mad. Oh, wait. Yeah, I remember.

YouTube, that evil memory box, lured me into listening to music I can no longer play with arthritis on instruments I no longer have access to, or own. That made me MAD. It all goes back to being a 13 year old boy on a tour of Europe with the high school band. Anyway, we made it Bastille Day Mass at Notre Dame, yeah, the one in Paris. The organist and the organ itself, BLEW ME AWAY. My life was CHANGED forever from one of "oh what nice piano music" to OH MY GOD DID YOU HEAR THAT!"

It reminded me of all that is gone in my life, past, over, done with, a puff of smoke that was a memory, and now just a piece of fluff blown out to sea. What once was me, is now gone.

What's left? Well that remains to be seen, and that is another reason I'm mad. I love God more and more, and I get more and more impatient with God to tell me SOMETHING about what do you WANT from ME.

Sound familiar? We want things on our schedule, not on the schedule of God. One voice trying to get me into seminary, another trying to get me into a diocesan educational program, and yet another saying just write that blasted formation program and shut the #@&& up.

Of course, on top of this is the constant pain, the pressure of the upcoming disability hearing, the slap to my pride by every mortgage type person I talk to about helping my mother do something about her 9.5% loan makes me feel guilty. "So you bring in nothing, and she spends on your medical?" It makes me want to say, "would you like to kick me in my 'nads with army boots? It would hurt less."

Oh forget it. I'm just bitching and moaning. God love you if you care. I pray for you all, now please pray for me too. Don't worry, I'll wait for God, because I know that God is good, it's the rest of us I'm not too sure about.