Nope, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. The truth is much simpler: things have been just too complex to try to explain. Now, don't you feel better? No? Okay, I'll start from the beginning.
Just when I thought my sense of vocation as a religious recluse were falling into place, a priest, who is also a friend, and someone I trust, says to me, "Why aren't you in seminary? You are supposed to be a priest." I argued that I felt no calling whatsoever to the priesthood and he said, "I am issuing the call for the Holy Spirit, now think about it."
Needless to say I've thought of little else, since. The problem is, the idea of serving a parish is so unattractive to me that I'm tempted to pray against such a calling. Instead, I'm taking the approach that Gamaliel took in the book of Acts. "If this is of man, it will die out on its own. If it is of God, nothing will stop it." Yes, that's a paraphrase, but I have adopted that attitude.
To say that any number of blockages stand between me and ordination is to put it mildly; yet my friend said, "There is no wall God can't knock down." And honestly, the ferocity of his conviction is a first for me. No one has ever been so convinced about anything regarding a vocation of any sort for me. I am taken back by it.
Does theological education sound attractive? Yes. Does administering the Sacraments sound attractive? Yes. Does being the priest in a busy emergency room sound attractive? Yes. Does running a parish sound attractive? NOT IN THE LEAST. I think now you see why I'm so very hesitant to even admit the possibility of this call. Plus, I thought calls were supposed to come from within, not from without.
Or have I just been purposefully deaf? Help me by praying for discernment.
Peace to you all.
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