Devoid of Feelings

It has become apparent that lately I've been in something of an acedia slump. As the link to Hermitary.com so beautifully summarizes

Is not acedia the original perception of alienation and revolt against complacency and the burdens of culture? Is it the angst of Kierkegaard, the "nausea" of Sartre, the alienation and revolt of existentialists from Camus to Marcel? Acedia is never without a sense of guilt or complicity, not as sin but as complicity in the horrors of contemporary life. To the modern mind, acedia remains real and relevant. It is a personal statement against the contrivances of culture, the hypocrisy of public morality, alienation from the natural patterns of nature and simplicity.

Honestly, that is almost exactly how I feel. It's not a boredom, it's the constant press of horrors within the world, the church, and myself, that has brought this acedia into my life. The most tempting thing right now is to feel heartily sorry for myself -- and I have plenty of reason to do so -- yet, what does that accomplish except give the evil forces/spirits/influence a chance to get in and go to work on me with comic book superpowers!

That is the last thing I need.

One thing though is bothering me. Br. Stephen died and I am unable, physically to sit vigil with his body. That rips right down into the core of my being. Certainly, I'll be at his funeral tomorrow, but that is not the same thing as sitting vigil wish someone I have prayed for with some intensity for many months now. The truth is, if I go and sit the vigil, someone will have to carry me out to the car, because I will unable to walk.

Oh well. These are the facts of life. One cannot depend on anything but God. How many times must I learn that simple lesson...depend upon nothing but God.

Rest in peace, Br. Stephen.