Theological Rambling

Lord, why do you want me? I am nothing special. I have neither great spiritual insights, nor healing abilities. It would seem that I should be the least likely of all the people on earth you would call to you in this life. Yet all of my life you have called. I ignored you in the 1980s, yet even then you protected and preserved me. I abandoned myself to depravity and you still called me. There was no escape.

Now, I have turned to you, and still cannot understand what it is about me that you should love so much. I have a quick temper, a hurtful tongue; my heart is easily discouraged by dolts that think the only great sadness in the world is abortion, while millions die in Africa, Russia, you name it, they are dying because we don't care. I let this run between me and your church. You would be far better off choosing someone with skills, a better track record, than a failure like myself, whom has nothing to offer except my inabilities.

Yet, I do love you Lord Christ. Jesus, all my life you have been the only thing I really wanted, and since there was no understanding in me of how to have you, I sought relief elsewhere. Sex. Drugs. Partying. Nothing brought relief. Nothing can. All that is past now, but that burning love for you remains. Why have you stuck with me so long through so many blatant attempts on my part to run you off?

Sometimes I can write. Other times I can write and actually say something worth hearing, but why you persist with me, and not someone else, I honestly do not know. All of this is so much more painful because I am so in love with you Jesus. I wish you could come to my house and eat with me, talk to me, man to man. You call me to solitude so that I may encounter you, and it overwhelms me with unspeakable joy.

I am not obedient.

I am not chaste.

I am not an even a very good Christian.
But I am yours to do with, as you will. Amen.