How Yesterday Turned Into Wisdom

I got all gussied up to go out to the Abbey for the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart, which I assumed would run on the same schedule as all other solemnities held -- Mass at 10:20. Imagine my surprise when I get there only to discover that the mass had been at 6:15 in the morning, because they are hosting an Inter religious Dialog. By that point it was 10:10, and I realized I had exactly enough time to drive back to the Sisters of Charity and catch their 10:50 mass.

So I drove thirty-one miles to go to mass across the road from my house!

On another note. You know how I support the ordination of women. The news yesterday reported that the Vatican would automatically excommunicate any Bishop who ordained a woman to the priesthood. That made me sad. After mass was over I stopped one of the nuns whom I frequently sit near, and told her I was sorry about that. The following are her words.

"I was sorry to hear that, too. However, we have to bring ourselves in line with the thinking of the church, or we can't really call ourselves Christian. The American Church makes up only 6% of the world's Catholics. Is it right that 6% should dictate who is ordained to the rest of the church?"

I hadn't though of it that way. You see, as an ex Episcopalian I was used to it and felt it was mandatory. And, the Episcopal church is growing quite well in the Third World, but never will it have the numbers that the Roman church has. What the sister said to me made me realize how vast the church is, and how the Vatican has to look at all the church, not just the American church.

It also taught me that if only 6% of the worlds Catholics are in a country where women are somewhat liberated, we need to pray for the liberation of the remaining 94% of the women of the world. When all women are liberated, then there might be a chance.

So, my thirty-one mile round trip to go to church across the street turned out to be a pilgrimage to wisdom.

Sacred Heart of Jesus! Yea!

Old Style

New Style

Yes, this is my favorite Feast Day/Solemnity of the year. The Sacred Heart of Jesus. I love the very name of the day. I love the fact that Jesus resurrected body ascended into heaven with his beating heart still in his chest, and that at this very moment he stands before God in Heaven with his human heart still beating as he prays for us.

We don't think much about the body of Jesus after the resurrection. It says that he still bore the wounds of the cross, and that he took Thomas hand and put it into his side where the spear pierced him. We are not told that he was a ghost, or that he was a zombie of some sort, or just a 'holograph' (which is heresy anyway), we are to believe that his human body that did die, rose again, and that his heart was indeed beating in his chest when he was assumed into heaven.

What more can we ask for an explanation than that? Most of the world doesn't understand the idea of the Sacred Heart at all. Admittedly, I did not until a voice told me "look into my heart of infinite compassion." Well, then I started thinking about it. Praying about it. Eventually, I prayed to it. Not to the heart, silly, but to the Savior whose Heart it is. Now I don't go in much for promises made in Jesus name. However, I do believe in the compassion of that Heart which is indeed Sacred. So the ten or however many promises made in his name, mean very little to me. What matters is that the Heart is full of compassion and love. Funny isn't it, that's the same thing St. Faustina said the Divine Mercy was telling us.

Over and over again we are told by the mystics that Jesus and his heart are full of love and compassion for us. The only catch? Believe in Him, obey Him, pray to Him, be His servant. Is that so much to ask?

Corpus Christi at Gethsemani

As always, the monks amazed me with the way they carry out complex ritual activity with ease, and simplicity. Enough incense burned today to fill a 5ooo square foot house from basement to third floor with smoke, floor to ceiling. Good thing they don't use fire alarms out there.

What made me nearly cry though was how much longing it creates in ones heart to sit silently before the Sacrament, closed in their simple, but elegant Monstrance. Nothing so crass as those pictured on the Wikipedia page. Still, the devotion going on right now is known as the Forty Hours. Don't get caught up in the always technical explanations given by New Advent, but the basics are there.

I went out to the Abbey again about 7pm, and sat there until almost 10:30. The time seemed to fly. It is amazing how deeply one can enter into prayer before the Sacrament. Time lost meaning, and it was only the changing of monks every hour that told me what time it was. I've learned to be very careful how I share things that come to me in prayer, but last night was special. For the rest of my life I will cherish the words that came to me.

Another Day in Ordinary Time

Old Style St. Bernadin of Sienna

New Style Also Bernadino

Isn't is always amazing when the Old Style and New Style have the same feast on the same day? I know to those of you who don't share my love of liturgical calendars are going, "oh no, here he goes," but I promise that is not the case today. I didn't find any particular reason today why Bernadin/o is a saint except he was Italian. Isn't it funny how many Italian saints there are. I wonder what's up with that?

This has been day two in the energy recovery phase of my new life, and I hope, hope, hope that it is the last day of it, too. You see, I hate to be idle, even the unemployed are not idle, and this restful idleness is wearing on me. Yesterday, though, I wouldn't have dreamed of moving. Yesterday I was empty as empty gets. Today though, after a lengthy five hour nap I thought surely my energy is back. I was wrong. So it was back to watching daytime TV which I must say is pure crap.

So for tonight, more crap TV, and maybe even reading. I tried reading today but it was going to put me to sleep, so maybe it's a good night for reading. Okay, that's all. Nighty night.

Washed Out and Happy

Old Style

New Style

Wow, the last few weeks caught up with me today. I got up early to go to Mass at the Abbey, and felt a bit on the tired side, but thought nothing of it. By the time I got home I knew that all I was going to do today was write the reflection on the rule and go to bed. That is precisely what I did. Oh, I also read a book. A nice cozy by M. C. Beaton called Agatha Raisin and the Marriage From Hell. If you like reading non-gory mysteries, with headstrong women, then our dear Mrs. Raisin is the woman for you.

I met with Br. Paul after Mass, and we talked until I think I was totally talked out. It was after that on my way home that I realized how much stress I've been under, and how just telling him everything that has gone on in my life, and spiritual life lately cleared me out. All that was left was the empty husk of my body. Even now at 4:30 in the afternoon, I still feel like I could go to bed and sleep until sometime on Wednesday.

I hate to think of it, but I'd become so used to the constant stress and strain on my body from the incessant anxiety attacks, that now I'm without it, my body is demanding I rest. The problem is, I want to go-g- go, not lay down and rest. Still, the body has it's own wisdom, and right now I'm learning to obey it.

Now that I'm able to go back to morning Mass at the Abbey on a daily basis it feels like my life is on the right road once again. If you read my rant a few days back then you know how worshiping anywhere else is a strain on my nerves, and a drain on my spirituality. I need to feel that everyone at Mass is willing to put in all the time it takes for Mass to be said in a meditative way. Clearly, not everyone feels that way, and the pace of Mass at Gethsemani irritates some people. Well, may they find their home, as I have found mine.

Those of you who read me regularly, and there seems to be more than I thought, I want you all to know how much I appreciate your prayers during this extremely difficult time in my life. Thank you. And I pray for you, too.

Eve of Holy Trinity

Old Style
New Style

There we go, both without comment from me. My last blog entry surely had more than enough comment to last me a lifetime. However, if you read my blog you already know that it won't be long before I'm on some kind of rant, again.

When I worked professionally as a church musician, I always looked forward to Trinity Sunday, because it meant the church year had officially ended, and I could do away with the choir for the summer. And oh, what joy, to think of an entire summer without choir practice. It wasn't that I hated my choir, it's just that in small churches you are seldom blessed with even one good voice, much less 20 good voices. And the church I worked for didn't have the kind of money it takes to hire 20 really good singers.

It was an Episcopal Church, and the Book of Common Prayer allowed 24 occasions for singing during the Eucharist. We sang in 18 of those 24 places. The congregation began to sing too, because some things I would not change for months at a time until they learned it. Then I began to pull in some of the more contemporary music, trying to help them find a congregational identity.

One such pieces was the hymn, "I Am the Bread of Life." I liked you to that site because it has not only the tune, but the words as well. I did my best to turn that simple little piece into a anthem of identity for the church I worked for.

Friday in Ordinary 6, or Whit Friday

You all know that I think Ordinary time is a cop out. Well, old style breviary came to the rescue today. It's Ember Friday in Pentecost. Now just because I linked Universalis.com to Ordinary does mean I dislike the site, you know perfectly well that I'm a post Vat. II kind of guy. I have to admit, though, Friday in sixth week of Ordinary time just hasn't got a lick of style about it. That's probably why so many people left the Catholic Church, not because of the loss of Latin, but because of the sense of style, of identity.

Anytime I worship at a Catholic Church that is not the Abbey of Gethsemani, I remember just how terribly tacky catholic worship can be. In the local Proto-Cathedral they rush through the service like it's a race, and the priest who can finish first is the winner. They can say the Our Father start to finish without taking a breath -- the whole congregation! Are they that desperate to get out of there? Do they go to church only because they have to? And as for music, someone plays vaguely New Age religious tunes on the piano as prelude to Mass.

That's why when it came time for me to convert I just couldn't face RCIA, I couldn't imagine having to spend a year in that type of environment. It's not just here, it's rampant! No wonder so many people are yearning for the Latin Mass. That is, until they get a taste of it and see that it's just a big ol' show, kinda like Broadway mixed in the Ballet. In my opinion it's about the most affected, and effeminate thing I've ever seen.

Where is the mystery? Mystery? What mystery? Let's rush through it and get out, that's the theme. God help anyone who might hold up the communion line! Or the priest who might want to preach longer than five minutes.

But when it comes to Abortion! Katey bar the door! They are ready to go all out and spend the night and all day praying loudly for the end of Abortion, or of gays. But get us out of Mass in time so we can be big, loud, CATHOLICS.

How about this? Shut up about abortion. Shut up about Gays. Look to your own soul, if you can still find it after 1000 rushed Masses where no one gets a moment to sit, or pray.

Wednesday in Ordinary Time

As you all know, I think Ordinary Time is a cop out by the Vat. II Fathers so they didn't have to figure out something else to call it. The fact that there are 34 endless Sunday's of Ordinary Time, I guess, is to go along with the Ordinary Time that life itself really is. If you think about it, most of our days are blah and ordinary. So why shouldn't the church year reflect the blah and ordinary time?

As I've talked about before, the lessons and gospels of Ordinary Time are anything but ordinary. After a while you get the feeling that the whole season should be called the Season of Miracles. Of course, the Church in Her {cough} wisdom, would call that Innovation. Heaven forbid we should allow a breath of air to flow through the two thousand year institution that seems to be holding on by its fingernails. And, yes, I'm still proud to be a Roman Catholic. I'm just not blind.

Turning the clock back like Mother Angelica wants to do isn't going to change anything either. If anything it will kill real catholicism in a straight jacket of left over, has been, rituals that no one remembers why they started doing them in the first place. We have to push forward continually, even in the Ordinary times to find the will of God wherever it is. I'm not talking about some airy fairy business of flitting here and there after each and every odd doctrine, I'm talking about keeping the faith and keeping the door open at the same time.

Is that so hard? People talk about the ancient church. We don't know squat about the ancient church. How can we? Most of them found themselves being eaten by lions, or killed by gladiators, or hung on crosses and set afire to light the Appian Way! The ancient church was the church of the Martyrs.

People think they know things only when what they find from some source that declares itself ancient, and then don't bother to wonder how that source got to us. No one really started writing this stuff down until after Constantine. And then things got crazy! So, let's just keep with the faith of Christ Jesus, and Him Crucified and Resurrected. The rest of it, take as it comes, let go as it moves on. We already possess all we need for salvation. Christ Himself.

If I don't get excommunicated, I'll be back soon with another post.

Today I Make a Renunciation (after confessing like a worm)

Those of you who know me, know I never refer to myself or anyone else as a worm It's an unpleasant character judgment. However, in the context of two Sacraments, Confession, and Healing, and then on to Eucharist, I'm feeling just a bit like a worm.

There is a sort of holy fear when approaching any sacrament. We know how serious and life giving a sacrament is, but we don't know how to honor it except by fear. Fear? Because in the sacraments we allow God loose in our lives, bodies, minds, souls. Yes, God is always with us, but sacrament confers a specific grace. In other words, a hypodermic of capital 'G' Grace. A kind of grace that is present to do only one job. One, I am asking for forgiveness for my sins, and to granted the grace of amendment of life, in other words Reconciliation.

The other capital 'G' Grace is Anointing of the Sick, or a healing. Let me put this as delicately as I can. I want free from a habit that has been with me since I was 18. The 1970s were an addictive age. Although my habit is not physically addictive, it has been the crutch upon which I resisted decades of anxiety attacks. In that light it looks like a good tool! In another light, it is now the bane of my existence. Cost, risk, coughing so hard ...

Need I say more?

You are no doubt saying what on earth has happened to Steve? He's just blathered out his nasty secret. Well, because I expect to be Healed, with a capital 'H,' today. I am going to the appointment with God and God's priest only because I believe in grace , and that the grace marked out for me today, about 9:45 a.m., is rather excited to come to me.

Also, I don't know whether-or-not this counts as as promise in fact, but this morning I opened the usual appeal from the Association of Marian Helpers, and inside was a four page card with the title A Prayer for Healing. On the outside cover is Jesus, with a bird standing on each hand, and another about to land on his thumb, which Jesus is holding up. Around Jesus are two more birds sitting on a vine in bloom. Jesus is not smiling or anything silly like that, he seems to be in some type of deep communication with these birds, his brow is not furrowed, and his expression is calm.

We won't discuss the rest of the card because the design theme became rather silly after the first page. Lot's of silly art int he Catholic Church.

The point is that Jesus loves me more than he loves birds. You see, in my backyard are three bird feeders, and two wind chimes. I love birds a lot. Jesus loves me more than he, or I, love birds. Add to that the fact that Jesus love is the Love of God, and we know the love of God is infinitely greater than our most holy love possible. The Love of Christ surpasses all human loves. As Christ loves those birds, Christ loves me, and longs, longs to heal me today so that he may come into me more fully.

God cleared out my river of sludge at the bottom of the abyss. With the encounters today with grace, I enter a new phase of my life. Christ moves in a little more, because today I make a Renunciation.

Eve of Pentecost, One Year as A Catholic

Today one year ago I stood before a priest and was made a Roman Catholic, in a private ceremony, at which only the priest, Fr. Chris Allegra; my sponsor, Louis, and myself. I had chosen the day because it was the Vigil of Pentecost.

I am particularly fond of Pentecost because it represents the coming of a presence into the world that I and you and everyone is exposed to, all the time -- whether we know it, or not. It is available to us through prayer, and God has implanted the Holy Spirit in us to pray for us, as it says in Romans 8:26, (I cheated and looked it up on Google, that sort of stuff does not stay stuffed in my brain).

Tomorrow I will make a confession, and will be anointed for healing. Let's just say it's a letting go of a held over habit from the past that has outlived it's day, especially since Klonopin entered my life.

Overall, this year as a catholic has not been embarrassing at least. I thought about my conversion from the time I was sixteen until one year ago today, and I do not regret it in any way. The only regret I have is that I did not do it sooner. And in case you thought I had forgotten the Council.

So much is going on in my life that I find less and less time to put deep thought into things. This is something I can control, especially now that I can think free of anxiety symptoms taking over. I have gotten busy, but have I gone too far? A balance will be found.

I pray for you all, peace.

I don't know, but Here It Is

Before Vatican II St. John before the Latin Gate.

After Vatican II Tuesday of the 7th week of Eastertide


With the inner pressure increasing I have got to do something about getting people to pray for those on the very of suicide. Our administrative church is much less important really than the spiritual church, and they are one and the same Church. I respond and dwell within the praying part of the church, a semi-recluse, by offering to God, not because of the anxiety. I have actively worked to live in my higher self, and less in my base, dark side. I have cut connections to people that have cost us both a good bit of pain. But it had to be done if I am going to live in my Higher Self.

The Apostolate of Prayer for Those on the Verge of Suicide. That's the name of it. I'm certain of that at least. The problem here is I never thought of myself as someone who would write Apostolate of Prayer pamphlets of any kind, and leave them around in Catholic type places. The Holy Spirit evidently decided that I should do that, or it will not leave me in peace. So the next few days I'm going to write about this Apostolate for Those on the Verge of Suicide. Maybe then I will get some peace.

7th Monday of Easter

I really like the Lucinda Grande Font. It makes me feel comfortable with the type face, which is something most people never bother to notice about the things they read, what typeface is used in their printed publications. It's overlooked by most people, yet to me it is a thing of beauty to see the serifs. If you don't know or care what I'm talking about, click here anyway.

Pre-Vatican II
Post Vatican II

I've given up calling them Old Style and New. Let's be honest, it's the Breviary before or after the Second Vatican Council. We shall call it what it is; a liturgical divide. Yes, the old Latin and the muttering that the priest, turned away from us was far more mysterious. But a lot of it was also left overs from previous eras of church liturgical tradition. Things that were added and no longer have any meaning. Tradition is a living thing. The divide between before and after Vat. II, is healthy, for it is alive in those of us on both sides. Therefore the very fact that the two side debate one another--that is, when debate is again allowed--we can find a middle way.

Tradition will work out what we obsess about. We you think of historic changes, and the time it takes for a real historic change to occur, then you realize we are still in the midst of working, according to Traditions demands. This is important, the Holy Spirit will fuse the traditions. We all agree Catholic worship should be beautiful, meaningful, and correctly done. The Mass is serious business, we should always treat it as such.

At the monastery on certain feast days, usually it is Br. Chrysostom who will intone a Latin piece from their old Trappist books. Always during a long communion. It takes forever to sing, and is some of the most holy moments in my worship experience at the Abbey. The Latin can transcend and speak for our raw emotions. So can English, for in English we too can say "the God in whom we live and move and have our being." Both languages have raw emotional power.

I believe that we should not willynilly through away two thousand years of worship tradition, simply because we turned the Mass and the Liturgy of the Hours (LOTH) into English? I describe myself as the Mad Catholic Liberal! And I am, because I say let's keep some of the austere beauty of the old and it's highest moments, and let us also live withing the new Mass that God in God's wisdom saw fit to create in the Second Vatican Council.

Updating the Faith

I know that reading Papal Encyclicals is not currently chic, but I have to talk about a site I've gone to many times, as I tracked down quotes. Papal Encyclicals Online. It's really a rather remarkable site. I like it because it has links to documents that will astonish you. Click those innocent links, especially Church Councils. Bet you haven't heard of most of them.

Why, you might ask, is the mad, Catholic, liberal searching through Papal Encyclicals Online? Well, because I believe that no matter how bad, or even outright evil a pope may have been, the fact was that at his consecration, he was given the Holy Spirit to guide the church. So, even the most bad pope, could do a good thing.

We go back to look at these to find what it is that helped define who we are at this time. I never look for the answers in the Encyclicals, but I do from time to time find the Holy Spirit popping out in the most surprising places. All throughout history. Think of St. Athanasius, one of the most difficult people , and probably a violent man, has set forth extraordinary doctrine of the Incarnation.