Eve of the Ascension

Go to Universalis today. It is the Eve of the Ascension there. It's also at Old Style, and check out that art. However, old style today was celebrating Catherine of Sienna which we did yesterday, and today we celebrated St. Pope Pius V. Here are a few links for Catherine. Of course we cannot forget St. Pope Pius V.

Keeping up my various blogs and sites takes up more of my day than I like. The only meditation time I can get is in the evenings, but that's okay, that's the way it is for the majority of the world. Although gas is prohibitively high priced, I'm going to the monastery tomorrow for their celebration of the Solemnity of Ascension. That will eat a good portion of the morning and might eat into the afternoon.

I am committed to the things I am doing, and see that money is going to be made, by me, not tons, but enough. This is a very exciting time for me, especially with my Apostolate for Those Contemplating Suicide.

I need all your prayers just to keep up. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wow, Life Got Busy

So here I am with a ton of irons in the fire and not sure which ones will pay off in the end. Only two really have the potential to pay off. I was accepted as a Guide for OrganizedWisdom.com and the good thing is that they pay for my research work. I make a good Wisdom Card and I make some money. I had to apply for it and everything, so it's very exciting.

Another exciting thing is the Squidoo lens I created for Anxiety. Big surprise there, huh.

The point of this little rave is that since the right combination of medications has been found, I am a person who is on the go, both in physical, and spiritual life. I had not realized how blocked up I was. So much of my inside was taken by anxiety and depression. Once those were gone, I realized that there was room now for God in my life in an entirely new and better way!

I've not decided yet if I'm going to keep the links to the Old Style Breviary and Universalis. Chances are good that they will stay because you know how much I love to make comparisons when they are out of sync, and they are out of sync today.

Now, another iron in the fire is the RB Reflections I've been doing daily for about a week now. It caused a minor ruckus on the list, as some wanted daily, and some wanted weekly. In the end Jane and Mary Guilbert fixed us up a mailing list so now only those who want it, get it. That's a relief to me because my feeling was to stop writing them daily is to loose the purpose of the reflections. Daily.

So now I'm going to bed, an hour later than usual, because I had to work on email.

Life is a Blessing, Even when it sucks.

Peace
Steve

NOTA BENE: I am sending to both lists today because until people join this list . I don't know who wants it how.

I am in a quandary because this is the part of the rule dealing with brutality. That is only part of the quandry. The other is my little red RB 1980 rendered this chapter differently than on the OSB website.

Today the RB 1980, Little Red Book, wins.

Chapter 70: The Presumption of Striking Another Monk at Will

In the monastery every occasion for presumption is to be avoided, and so we decree that no one has the authority to excommunicate or strike any of his brothers unless he has been given this power by the Abbot.

The first thing we need to remember is how violent the every day world really was in Benedict's time. The various sackings of Rome weren't even over yet, (that may not be true, if I'm wrong, let me know) so it's not hard to imagine that things got rough in the monastery from time to time, causing Benedict to make it part of the Rule. As Christians we do not go around striking one another, at least we certainly try not to do it, but in the 6th Century, you could get your head bashed in pretty easy.

There is a lesson here which I believe the LCG already practices, that of not squashing diversity. We are Catholics, Lutherans, Episcopalians and Methodist, Church of the Brethren, and a variety which is only possible within the LCG. Most of the lay groups do require you be a Catholic. It is possible to bash someones head in without using a cudgel. Our tongues are the 21st Century equivalent to the fists and cudgels of the past.

Those who sin should be reprimanded in the presence of all, that the rest may fear. [I Tim. 5:20] Boys up to the age of fifteen should, however, be carefully controlled and supervised by everyone, provided that this too is done with moderation and common sense.

It was a world where spankings were not uncommon. In fact, beatings might better describe it, but spankings are still around. These boys had been there since their infancy, in the case of Oblates, and really were part of the family to a large extent. But as we know, boys will be boys, and sometimes it takes something less than delicate to get a boys attention.

LCG application? I certainly do not believe we need a Chapter of Faults. I think it means that the more advanced in the life are to take responsibility for helping those new to the life build and uphold their personal Rule of Life. Not by reprimands, but by building and upholding them. Relationship building within your own local community must be the starting place. Perhaps, instead of LCG wide retreats, some day we could have pairs of communities come at different times and have a retreats together to build those relationships. That could be one way of increasing our upholding of one another.

Then that Final Paragraph

If a brother, without the abbot's command, assumes any power over those older or, even in regard to boys, flares up and treat them unreasonably, he is to be subjected to the discipline of the rule. After all, it is written: Never do to another what you do not want done to yourself. [Tob. 4:16]

It is easy in our meetings with each other, and even the people of our day to day lives, to get irritated by something, and before you know it, you have flared up, hurt someones feelings, and have been altogether unreasonable! That is not acceptable behavior in families, or in communities. It does happen because it is part of life, but the punishment of the rule, ought to be for us our conscience letting us know, by way of our Cistercian sensibility, that such behavior is not acceptable in any part of the life of a Christian, much less a Lay Cistercian of Gethsemani. Alas, we struggle on toward such goals.

Joy and exaltation to God the Lord

RB and My Reflections. Oh My!

I have to say that now that I've taken on the honor of writing daily reflections for the Lay Cistercians of Gethsemani Forum, has provided much more joyful than I thought it would be. Instead of fretting about whether to do it or not, I just said, yes I 'll do it.

Interestingly enough, one person wrote a very kind letter to me and said that it was impossible to fully digest one reflection a day, that he was printing them out and saving them for his personal lectio. That is truly flattering to me, but we all know that all good things come from God, so to God be the glory. Whether or not people think I'm a good writer does not matter to me any longer, in the slightest bit. That some people do seem to think I does please me, or I would not be a human being, and Lord, what a naughty human being I can be.

I put out a letter to the Forum readership today and hopefully they will answer. Not every one has to read what I write, but if only a few are reading then why not just make a small mailing list and not mail it to an entire forum of people.

The more I think about this idea of writing a daily reflection on the rule, the better I like it. Think personally how much more deeply I can enter the RB. It has always been a difficult text for me. The only way for me to really enter it, is to write about it, draw parallels into my life or the life of the LCG.

Oh well, hopefully they will answer, and then we shall see!

Mission Renewed

After my last post about Angels of Mercy, combined with the addition later in the day of Apostolate of Prayer for Those at Suicides Door, I think this post clearly about how the experiences with the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth, and the oppression of my soul by "something" -- not saying it was the devil, or evil one -- but something that said, "do it, do it now."

I cannot forget that moment, and twice I have been at that moment. Both times I was helped by God, and by prayers of others, in my case, the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth. And, before anyone starts wondering, "has he gone off the deep end and abandoned the Lay Cistercians?" The answer is without question and beyond doubt, no. Later posts may talk about how that works, but for now, let it rest as I am still LCG.

Sunday morning, I went to church at the Abbey an hour early. It's wonderful to sit there in a nearly empty church with perhaps a couple of other guests, and maybe a monk or two in the stalls. The silence is tangible, just like it was on Sunday.

Generally when I pray, if it isn't out of the LOTH, I don't use words, at all. Ever. The Holy Spirit prays within us. If it is within me, then it knows what needs praying, and does it.

Sometimes, like Sunday morning, it had subject matter for me to pray, and for the first time in a long time I felt a connection to the Lord that nearly made me lay on the floor. But, feelings are just feelings, so I didn't do that. Still, the words in my mental prayer were all about the loneliness and horror of those who faced a moment of suicide, as I had done just the Friday before! Faith was alive in me, so I knew it was not an option, but what of those who don't have that Faith? It's one thing to say I have faith, but when it really comes down to the moment of decision - live or die -- Faith is what saves you.

Mental prayer streamed through me like one of Michael Brown's Daily Thoughts, and I am not used to such volume in my mental prayer. NB I love Michael Brown's Daily Thoughts. And all of the content of this prayer for was those poor souls standing at the brink of suicide at that moment, and those who made the decision while I sat there and prayed.

Then. If you pray for all the souls who are at the moment of suicide, your prayers will be heard.

To be honest, I didn't know what to make of that. People were starting to come in, the bell calling for Terce had begun to ring, so the intensity of italics stopped. For the moment.

Tomorrow, more of the same. Turns out this Mission has a purpose beyond me.

Apostolate or Prayer for Those Contemplating Suicide?

I was wondering if such a thing were possible, and if it is, how does one go about getting other people to do it.

Here's the deal. Even though I have twice been tempted to the point of suicide, I never came close because of Faith. I can't say it was my faith in particular, but Faith within me would not allow it.

What about those without Faith?

I don't know the total number of suicides, world wide, each day, but I intend to find out. As I sat in the Abbey Church on Sunday, 20 April 2008, it became abundantly clear to me that those people who were at the edge of suicide needed someone to pray for them and pray for them a lot. Meaning many times a day, meaning doing serious meditation and prayer.

So far it seems to be a mission for me, my own personal apostolate. So far, because today before Mass at Nazareth I got the feeling that my prayers were good, but others needed to be involved in this Apostolate. It is like when Jesus was asked by his disciples why they could not cast out the demon, he told them, "This kind takes a great deal of prayer."

Well, it seems to me that to get enough prayer going to save at least one person a day from suicide, per person who is praying...that would be a miracle! I have a feeling I'll be talking more about this pretty soon.

Angels of Mercy

Old Style Breviary for today.
Universalis for today.

Today's post is all about the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth. I can almost hear you asking yourself, "has Steve finally gone and lost it? He's a Lay Cistercian." That I am indeed, but since today's post is called Angels of Mercy, I have to talk about the sisters.

Remember yesterday how I mentioned that as I finished blubbering in the church at Nazareth that old nuns were lined up in a pew, praying? That's where the Angels of Mercy come into play.

When I was at Our Lady of Peace, I was often in that chapel doing the same thing, weeping and praying for my life. But, every night there was an elderly nun, in full habit, who sat in the chapel for hours and hours, praying. I never spoke to her, or she to me, probably because she never turned around. I'm not sure she ever knew I was there. Yet, she sustained me throughout my stay in OLP. And, to this day I have not forgotten her, or the power of her prayers.

Back in the present, I was again weeping and praying for my life in a Church of the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth. I was certain I was alone. But, when I got up to leave, there were probably seven, very, very old nuns, all lined up in a pew, kneeling, and praying. Not one looked up at me, and they must everyone have heard what I was praying.

The shock of it hit me when I got home. Twice, the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth have saved my life by their prayers alone. This is a gift of grace to me so profound I've told everyone within ear shot about it.

Harrowing of Hell (Mine Own)

I promised yesterday to break up my long narration into three parts. Here is part one, the Harrowing of My Personal Hell.

Everyone knows I am on Klonopin, I wrote about it after all so you should know, and that it has stopped the four day anxiety attacks. I haven't even come close to one. And yes, that is a cause to rejoice. However, what I did not realize was that once the anxiety was gone something even more deadly was going to show up.

Anxiety had apparently been a platform built over a yawning chasm, an abyss of misery with a river of sewage running through it at the bottom. Without the anxiety, I was plunged head first into the sewage of depression and it did not take long to hit rock bottom, the absolute pit of despair.

I was suicidal at that point. NO, I'm not being metaphorical, or using imagery, I was at the point of driving my car at high speed into a massive oak tree on the grounds of The Sisters of Charity of Nazareth. I knew that

• I was a total waste of the molecules it took to make my body
• I was a waste of resources, food, etc., that kept me alive
• That nothing I had ever done had amounted to a hill of crap.
• That the entire world really would be better off if I were dead.

As I flailed around, grasping faith like a life preserver, I refused to give in to the voice of death, and sat in St. Vincent Church, on the grounds of Nazareth, and prayed like a blubbering fool. It truly was the last ditch effort to stay alive. The evil one, or whatever you want to call it, was telling me all these horrible things, and urging me to die die die!

When I got into the Church, it was empty except for two nuns in a balcony saying the rosary and then a litany. When I am fighting for my life, I pray out loud sometimes, and weep a good bit. Still, no one was in the church, I kept checking to make sure. When I had prayed and cried until nothing was left but take my empty husk of a body home, I turned around and on the last row were seven extremely old nuns, all kneeling in prayer.

Tomorrow: Angels of Mercy

There is Just Too Much To Write About

First let's to our praying. Old Style Breviary. And Universalis.

It's one of those rare days when both old style and new style converge on a single feast. But there you have it. St. Anselm. Here is a bit I wrote about him in 2007 St. Anselm, bishop and doctor. Whoopee that's a first class combination. And we all know what a weakness I have for the doctors of the church.

Why fore my weakness for these erudite Doctors of The Church Universal? Simple really, they too struggled to express what is inexpressible, and to greater and lesser degrees hitting the mark, did so magnificently. I too struggle to express the same things they struggled to express, but they succeeded. So does Bryan, so does Michael. We are all trying to make sense of this journey we consent to take with that unseen force which calls itself God. Blessed be G-d's Holy Name!

Klonopin freed something in me that has helped me have my own experience of the Harrowing of Hell, my Hell. It's too much to try to put onto one post, so I have to blog it off day after day. I personally think people have a much greater attention span than they are given credit for, but what I have to share is so important to me I do not want it lost in a haze of Steve words.

Pertinent points in coming days.

1. Despair to the point of suicide. (Harrowing of Hell)
2. Angels of Presence.
3. All lines up. (Mission Renewed)
   

Rock Bottom Faith Saved Me

Yesterday I came the closest to committing suicide in my entire life. My new medications have taken away the anxiety, but it seems the anxiety hid something even worse, a sense of the complete and utter uselessness of my life. The only thing I could feel was a depth of despair I didn't even know existed. My identity? A parasite, a waste of resources.

Obviously I did not kill myself, nor did I make plans to do so. What I did was acknowledge that I was on the verge. I stood on the deciding line. With nothing inside me worth living for, I realized that one thing stopped me -- Faith. Faith in Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. I won't say it was Jesus whispering in my mind, but someone told me "do not believe these things for he is the father of lies."

I do not consider clinical depression to be the work of Satan out to get me. After yesterday I do believe that the suicide of a believer is a great victory for the evil one. Darkness cannot make us do anything, but it can influence our thinking. Now I do not believe that I am some sort of special person whom has to be killed off, or Satan's plan will not work. However, my death would have marked a victory for the evil one.

With nothing to help me, I went to the Church over at Nazareth. As I sat there and poured out my heart to God with many tears, it occurred to me that this was not the first time I had sat in a chapel of the Sisters of Charity of Nazareth, and wept. When I was 18 I spent time in Our Lady of Peace Hospital for a nervous breakdown -- Our Lady of Peace was run by Sisters of Charity of Nazareth. I spent a great deal of time in that chapel and shed many tears. I could see no reason to live, and took that to God, repeatedly.

Here I am fifty, and still alive. "My foot had nearly slipped," says the psalm. Yesterday I stood on the precipice of death, and my foot nearly slipped, but God saved me. Thank be to God, and Jesus Christ; and to my guardians St. Teresa of Avila and St. Therese of Lisieux.

If you read this and you are a person with a depth of despair, do not hesitate to write to me.

Peace

A Little Less Hurt Today

As any who read yesterdays blog entry knows, I was in a furious mood over a number of websites I'd visited trying to find other Catholics who thought like I do. What I found was extremes on both sides, and very little in the middle. It's a good thing not everyone keeps a religious blog or we'd really be depressed.

Old Style Breviary today remembers St. Anicetus, Pope and Martyr, under the reign of Marcus Aurelius. Universalis today is with the common calendar. For me it's the responsory that can set my mind into the meditative mode. Unfortunately, Universalis does not include the responsory for Office of Readings, but my book does, and I like the news ones just as well as the old ones you can find at Old Style Breviary.

To me a responsory is more than a summation of what you've just heard, it is a challenge to think beyond the first obvious meaning, to allow yourself to begin a little lectio divina, if time allows. A quote from the New Advent folks.

The Graduals and Responsories are certainly among the most ancient and interesting parts of the liturgy of the Church. Musically they are the highest achievement of the old Christian composers, and should always be referred to when it is desired to give specimens of the true Gregorian Chant; whilst as literature, Battifol, speaking of the responds of the "Proprium de Tempore", which are older than the others, compares them to the chorus dialogues of classical Greek tragedy.

The article also mentioned that in the Rule of Benedict he indicates Responsories should be used after the lessons of Matins, but he doesn't spell them out, almost as if assuming everyone already knew them. Through time there were, as always, battles nearly to the death over the form the respond should take. The conflict was basically between the Gallican tradition and the Roman tradition. The Roman won, and I'm glad of it, because the Gallican was rather dull.

How important is this subject in light of the miseries of the world? I honestly can't say. There is a small river of sadness that runs through my life that I've become to believe is me sensing the sorrow of the world. All I know is that if I can't divert or dry up that river, then I'll have to live with it. The best way I know of living with anything is through a great deal of prayer -- and more than a few Responsories . :-)

I Sometimes Wonder What We're Thinking

The Church is a beautiful thing. Instituted by Christ, built my Paul, and Peter, overseen in the east, the south, the north and the west, until after a series of splits and more than a wee number of wars, The Roman Catholic Church won.

Now the Church in the East, so called Orthodox in all it's varieties, they saw things in different manner, but Rome was far away so let them have their party by themselves. Of course, they hadn't counted on Spain become Roman Catholic and then carrying it throughout the America's and the rest of the world, for that matter.

The Reformation. Oh my when one mentions the word reformation, a series of reactions take place.

If you are Conservative, then Reformation means we all do it your way.

If you are a Liberal, then Reformation means we all do it your way.

Well what if you think that all this Latin Mass hooey is something for people to cling to when their lack of faith kicks in? Or that the liberal insistence women in the priesthood RIGHT NOW is just a cover for their lack of faith kicking in?

Is this the church of Christ? Is this what the deposit of faith has come to, a argument about how we do a bunch of external things while consistently ignoring the fact that what liberals bitch about is what we should all be doing as Christians anyway, and that the Latin Mass should be allowed for those who want it.

I became a Catholic for the Eucharist. The language the mass is in is of vital importance to me. If I want a show (Latin Mass) then I will go to the theater. And if I want rally for the oppressed, (some of the more outrageous liberal masses I've seen) then I will go to one. But damn it, people, we are tearing the church from top to bottom, just like the veil of the temple was torn at Christ's death, or so it is told.

I am opposed to abortion, but since I am a man I shouldn't even be allowed to consider the question, as if I had a right to it. I oppose the death penalty, but what is there to do but pray?
And of course homosexuality, the favorite whipping-boy of all history. When your life is in the shitter, and you can't see it's your own fault, well by golly, blame those Homosexuals!
I am sick of all of this. It literally makes me want to stop going to church completely, and just give up and make my own form of religion.

Then I would be without the Eucharist. The Body and the Blood of Jesus Christ himself. For that, I will put up with the lot of you liberals and conservatives who think you know everything. And if you think you're going spam me with comments, you can try. I will give due consideration to all comments (as if anyone cares enough to comment) but I will allow no tirades. This is my blog. I do the tirades around here.

Amen, May God Bless us all.

Blogging for Jesus

(Follow the sense links to Old Style, and Universalis.

There is no doubt in my mind that if I did not keep this blog that I would go insane. You see, I write now because there is no choice in the matter. I keep three blogs going, and am even hoping to see some commercial action in two of them, but it takes time to work your blog into something anyone would care enough about to spend a dime on it.

A friend challenged me last night about keeping blogs, what was the point, "when I see you make money I'll be convinced." Well, in the first place, Gethsemani Reflections is not a blog I want to make commercial, so I blog here because faith demands a hearing. And I have something special to share with you today.

During my adjustment period to Klonopin or Clonazepam, the first five hours after the second dose things got very interesting in my mind. I believe I was fully in my right brain. I was asleep, no doubt, but was also awake. A number of scary things happened but one wonderful things happened too.

In the height my terror I prayed "all you angels and saints that love me, come to me now." The Blessed Mother, St. Teresa of Avila, and St. Therese of Lisieux came to me. Okay, interesting enough in a seriously drugged state of mind, but there's more.

Now that I am not in a drugged state of mind the Sts. Therese and Teresa have not left. They are like companions now. I accept this as part of the communion of saints. St. Teresa of Avila has always been one of my favorites. St. Therese of Lisieux I made fun of until I understood the depth of inexplicable simplicity. But why they should come and hang out with me is totally beyond my power of comprehension. I'm a nobody, they should know that by now.

Since I'm Catholic now, faith demands that I take this seriously. So throughout the day I put certain issues and problems off onto them, I give them various to help and pray for. What else is there to do? And NO that does NOT mean I've stopped depending, leaning on, praying to Jesus. The two Therese/Teresas are like friends who hang around.

So what do you make of this, dear reader? Have I gone over the edge into the abyss of psychotic papist illusion? Or have I found that opening myself to that right brain is where I'm most likely to encounter saints, and Jesus himself.

Look forward to hearing from all of you.

Atheist in the Pulpit

Now I put this linked article on here because it has a lot to say that caused me to do some soul searching. Perhaps it will do the same for you.

Read and comment. I am very interested in what you think of it.

Article too Good to Pass Up

I just found this articles and I hope it bodes well for the future. The date on the article is 2005, so it might bear searching out in detail.

How to Farm Stem Cells Without Losing Your Soul
A solution to the stem cell dilemma that even the Vatican can love.

Waiting for Revelations to End

The Office of Readings is working it's way through Revelations. I will rejoice when it is over because the imagery is just not something you want to face in the pre-dawn hours. At the same time I realize that the imagery of this book is largely based on Roman persecution of Christians. That's the historic side of Revelations. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I'm willing to work an image into a metaphor at the drop of a hat, but I leave Revelations alone.

What a vivid sense of drama! The sweep is epic. It is so right up my alley that you'd think I'd know it by heart. So why am I so reluctant to do lectio divina with a text from Revelations? This is starting to look like a challenge, isn't it? That sense I am so closed minded to the book that I have got to start really praying over it, as someone once said.

Right now in my life might not be the best time to start prayerful reading of Revelations. Or is it actually the time I might benefit most from the study?

The Old Style Breviary is with St. Justin, Martyr today. Second Nocturn.

I was reading an article today about Walt Whitman, and found a quote:

However, in the 19th century, many readers were receptive to the concept of the poet-prophet. As organized religion began to lose its cultural authority in the face of challenges from Enlightenment philosophers, biblical scholarship, and scientific discoveries, poets filled the spiritual void for many readers.

Much has been made of the decline of organized religion, but really that's only a cultural matter. We see in this quote that the the decline was a loss of cultural authority, not the creation of a "spiritual void." People flee from organized religion for many reasons, and the disruption in the Catholic Church is a case in point.

After Vatican II there was an exodus from the religious orders, as well as many priests who left the priesthood to get married. Why? Well, the Council basically said it was possible to have salvation outside of Holy Orders, or the Religious Life. Did that mean they no longer believed in God, or have faith? Of course not. So while some in the church may yammer about the decline of faith, really, they are whining about a cultural artifacts of the Church Universal.

It was hard to go from a God is a God that's ready to beat you up, fry you up, and never think of you again; then to go to a God who loves you, wants to be with you, and yearns for your heart. And might, just might, admit that other Christians might go to heaven too.

The Evangelicals have yet to make that leap, and those who have are finding it hard to remain evangelical. Biblical fundamentalism is another cultural wave that is cresting again. People never took the Bible literally until the 19th century. They will tell you it started with the Reformation, but it did not.

My point isn't about Vatican II or about Evangelicals, my point is that the only spiritual void that ever existed from the beginning of time, is the spiritual void inside of the individual. People left and leave churches for many reasons. They come, they go. The numbers in the OCSO rise, then fall. Time brings all things, and time destroys all things.

But a spiritual void left over from 19th century Philosophy? I don't think so.

Friday. Easter 3

Universalis, unlike the Old Style Breviary, it is always the same address. Since it's already linked for you, check out the second nocturn. As always the art is worth the click, but not the point of the click.

What I want to talk about today is what is what it is like to finally be on top of my medications. I'm sure I've bored my two readers to death with my drug woes with Clonazepam aka Klonopin. But I think some of my readers may wonder what exactly the drug is, and why I am taking it.

I have never regretted choosing against Chemistry as something I should learn. Yet, Clonazepam/Klonopin has me on a quest to discover what is it made of, what it is for, and why a drug used to stop grand mal seizures is so effective against certain types of anxiety? The funny thing is that not very many days before I began the Klonopin, I said "the attacks come almost like a spell, or a seizure." I don't have epilepsy, and have been tested for it numerous times.

By whatever fashion it works, it works. I tracked it down on Wikipedia, I know, not that most trustworthy source, a good place to start. From there I researched unfamiliar concepts in chemistry until I had a pretty good idea of what the molecule looked like, how worked, how long Klonopin lasted, and my basic discovery was this

The medication is made of rock dust, carbon, helium, usual suspects, sodium, that when tweaked together by chemistry becomes one of the most potent drugs I ever encountered.

Good grief at the hours it took me to come to that realization. It also implies, somehow, that Klonopin is from the earth itself, by the hands of chemists, who are human beings endowed with the intelligence to take rock dust and turn it into a healing compound.

Why take Klonopin when there are so many others out there? Because with my type of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which was categorized as Chronic, suffering attacks lasting four (4) days every two weeks -- Klonopin is the only one that stops anxiety at the source. At the Gaba receptor itself. Now, it's also hitting all the other gaba receptors that have nothing to do with anxiety, and that is not good for my body, and probably not good for my mind.

The results of my three week adventure getting used to Klonopin is that I am anxiety free. In almost a month I have not had one moment of anxiety so much as even a spark. By now I should have had two, four day attacks. That is heaven to me! This is liberation of a kind I like. God's own self has given me this peace. And, I believe, given the medicine. As with all things, there is an other-side. For now, I'm willing to live with the risk because for the first time in years, I feel whole.

Wednesday, Easter 3

I've given up on grand names for my posts, it's easier to stick to the liturgical classification. I was reading in Brian Sherwood's blog today about an article written by N. T. Wright. The article is more than compelling, it is amazing. How simple things are when we realize that we simply look over, and around them, and never right at them. Read the article to understand the "them."

This coming Sunday is the monthly meeting of the Lay Cistercian's of Gethsemani, which means those of us who live close enough to drive to he Abbey on a Sunday morning. The LCG is a nationwide group, and it's amazing how our community has grown. But, on Sunday I'll meet with the same ten folks, and it will be good.

Each of us in our little community is very different from the others. Although there are similarities, the differences are more than nuance, there are some true differences in faith and what faith means, that's what makes it worth going and participating. Because we trust that as we gather in Jesus name, then Jesus is there with us, so we more often than not find out, not just our differences, but our soul level similarities. That there are basics from which we all grow our faith.

Our leader wants to step down, but shows no signs of slowing down, so I think he should stay in office a bit longer. Yes, that means you ... why, I almost said the name.

Speaking of Abbots (oblique reference to previous sentence) Abbot Damien has stepped down from his position as Abbot of Our Lady of Gethsemani. No, there wasn't a fight, they have a constitution which sets an age limit, and allows an Abbot to leave a little early in order to familiarize the incoming Abbot with the job itself.

Now for the prayer part of the daily post. I've decided to move it to the bottom, because it only seems fitting for a blog about spirituality and spiritual growth, to end with prayer.

For the Old Style Breviary we are in the Second Day of the Octave of St. Joseph. Start at the Second Nocturn and read all the lessons. I think that lesson is particularly touching, if archaic. As always, notice the fantastic art work the Society of Confraternity of Sts. Peter & Paul goes to extensive trouble to place, in context, each, and every day.

Universalis today is of the current Calendar used by the rest of the Church. That man has poured countless hours into the creation of his site, and because his psalm translation is not the "approved" translation, it cannot be used legitimately by any Roman Catholic under obligation to recite the office. Amazing how small minded people can be. And no, this isn't an attack on the Catholic Hierarchy, this is an observation of human beings in general. Just the same, never skip Universalis.

Tuesday of Easter 3

When you go to the link for Old Style Prayers, please notice that painting of Paul preaching on Mars hill. Of course, the speech he gives is one of his best. Paul was probably a Stoic. So him preaching to the Greeks must have been a sight to see! That painting helps.

Those of us who are the reform will want to visit Universalis, to be in league with the rest of the Church Militant, that is, upon earth. For a site the considers Pope John XXIII a saint, this should surprise no one that I am of the reform. The only reason, my dear two readers, is because I joined the Catholic Writers Webring. I am almost certain they have rejected me. Now I'm wondering, what was I thinking?

However, I was so depressed yesterday that I found myself in the position of realizing with certainty, that were it not for my faith, I would have killed myself. Needless to say, I was suffering, so I got my little stool, took it to the kitchen door that overlooks the beautiful hillside, and prayed for the Blessed Mother, St. Therese, the Little Flower, and St. Teresa of Avila. Jesus, as always, was already with me, but when those in heaven came to me as well, there was four of us, so Jesus was more specially in our midst.

And I prayed. Without taking it all out into the grand openness of cyberspace, I will tell you what I learned, take my suffering and either bitch about it, or take it and offer it to God for the Benefit of Someone Else. Now, my doctor will get a call about the depression. Because I do not believe it is God's will that I should not seek the help for this horrible thing. But, until it comes, I can offer it up.

So perhaps that explains why I fit neither with the Old Style or the Vatican II Reforms. I am in the middle, wishing only for Jesus Christ, and him crucified and Resurrected. What I get is abortion and gays and unmarried couples living in sin and rosaries for life. Can't people see, the Liberal and the Conservative, that they are tearing the Body of Christ apart to meet some agenda they think they have the right to impose upon us all.

Excuse me, but I don't think so. Mother Angelica and her crew, Bishop Spong and his crew, all extremes of every angle, are just so much clawing and tearing at the heart of Christ. Don't both those sides know that when they preach their version of "loving" venom, that others are hurt, are torn? If they do know, do they give a flip? Is preaching the truth really just about condemning the other side?

This has to stop and no one can but God. Then all I can say, or any of us can say is, God Help Us. Amen

Yuck

Today is yuckday to me. After all the weeks of coming to equalizing these meds, I wake up today and am as depressed as I can ever remember being. Of course, the medications are all geared to stopping the anxiety attacks, which they have done, I just hope this does not mean it's uncovered a river of depression.

Depression is just another one of those things designed to sap joy from your life until you just couldn't give a crap about anything anymore. I have far too much faith to ever go that far, but I can tell this could be a battle between my depression and the power of my faith. For some reason the following quote has been helpful to me today. Probably because it indicates a course of action.

“Torah study leads to caution, caution leads to enthusiasm, enthusiasm leads to innocence, innocence leads to abstinence, abstinence leads to purity, purity leads to piety, piety leads to modesty, modesty leads to fear of sin, fear of sin leads to holiness, holiness leads to Divine inspiration, and Divine inspiration leads to the resurrection of the dead”

I like that. How one thing leads to the next, in a progression that takes a long time to reach the final goal -- but what a worthy goal!

So, I'm not inspired today, and have nothing of interest to say. I'm sorry and hope I do better for you tomorrow.

Looking at the Pamphlet Pt. II

This should probably begin with the first paragraph, but the pamphlet is so full of words it would take one blog entry each just to quote each paragraph! The first paragraph though contains all the tools we'll need for the analysis of the remaining nine devotions.

A second section called "Promises to Devotees of the Agony of Jesus," is another five paragraphs with four detailed promises. We will deal with all that later.

Today we will beging with the long first paragraph. I have cleaned up the spelling, but let the odd capitalizations in place. Also, all the links go to dictionary.com. It is vital for me to understand the real meaning of a word, not just the meaning I've sensed over fifty years of life.

O Jesus, through the abundance of Thy love, and in order to overcome our hardheartedness, Thou pourest out torrents of Thy graces over those who reflect on Thy most Sacred Sorrow in the Garden of Gethsemane, and who spread devotion to it. I pray Thee, move my soul and my heart to think often, at least once a day , or They most bitter Agony in the Garden of Gethsemane, in order to communicate with Thee as closely as possible.

Now all the links show the literal meaning of the words, as well as the inferred meanings. Each of the linked terms are important to understand what this passage is talking about. For an example, I will give one more large quote, but it will will help guide our approach to interpreting the words.

Usage: Abundance, Plenty, Exuberance. These words rise upon each other in expressing the idea of fullness. Plenty denotes a sufficiency to supply every want; as, plenty of food, plenty of money, etc. Abundance express more, and gives the idea of superfluity or excess; as, abundance of riches, an abundance of wit and humor; often, however, it only denotes plenty in a high degree. Exuberance rises still higher, and implies a bursting forth on every side, producing great superfluity or redundance; as, an exuberance of mirth, an exuberance of animal spirits, etc.
Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

Jesus in the Garden: A Little Booklet I Found

Old Style
New Style
Before I converted to the Catholic Church, I would come across these pamphlets that were always written in overwrought prose, with flowery language and Divine promises if I did this or that devotion, 'x' number of times a week. Mostly I thought they were hokey in a trading card sort of way. Stay with me.

When I started going to daily Mass at Gethsemani, a monk there by the name of Br. Rene, keeps the library full of free items to take with you. One of them was the last copy of a pamphlet called, Prayer to Jesus, Agonising on the Mount of Olives. So I picked it up and looked it over, mainly because on the front cover was a drawing on Jesus, on his knees leaning on a rock over which an angel stood, holding a cup. And, in the background, three very asleep disciples.

You see, we are used to seeing such things, the reality of the event has become nearly completely obscured by the gratuity of holy images everywhere you look on the planet. WE forget that holy images represent holy People.

I digress. The dropping off spot was when I became entranced by the image of that angel holding that chalice. Angel is neither offering it, or refusing it, merely holding it. So I started to read

O Jesus, through the abundance of They love, and in order to overcome our hardheartedness, Thou poorest out torrents of They Graces over those who reflect on They most Sacred Sorrow in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Graces on those who merely reflect on his agony in the Garden?

This seemed like a very bold claim to me. And, as always, I wanted to find out who wrote this stuff, because it's always written to sound like Jesus is talking to you, but it's always written by someone. After having found it I started paying close attention to the subtle give and take that makes up most prayer.

To convey the intention of such a booklet, we shall spend the next couple of days looking into it in detail.

As always, God Bless.
And Pray for Ronnie Lykins