Solitary Life for God, III

When I decided to start writing about solitary life in the blog, I wasn't convinced there'd be much to say beyond one or two posts. I was wrong. The more I pray about it, and read about it, the deeper solitary life gets. I'm not talking about some lame reading scheme to simulate it either, I'm talking about realizing that what looked like a confining and narrow life is in reality more open and deep than an abyss.

There is a Rule for Hermits written by Padre Fray Alberto Justo, OP. In it he states

Let go. Venture forth along the paths to Eternity lying before you now. They are not only long but are also, in this very moment, wide open before you. Perhaps you were thinking that you could achieve a better life by moving about or escaping time. None of that. Here you will find a little path that will take you through both time and space. You will pass through them to the other side. Then further.

What strikes me in this passage is the "paths leading to eternity." He seems to be saying: not only are the paths explicitly there, they are open to you in particular "in this very moment, wide open before you."

Then the paragraph gets personal, focusing on the scattered nature of day to day life, where the third sentence of the quote negates all movement, all preconceived notions and ideas about God; about this abundant and amazing reality where God stares at us through others and all of nature--God's own creation. The third sentence says something important to anyone who has ever believed, but never dared to fully trust, that you can be with God in a very special way, in this life, this moment.

Here you will find a little path that will take you through both time and space. You will pass through them to the other side. Then further.

The first real association is between the 'little path' of the quote, and the Little Way of St. Therese of Lisieux. The rest of the quote then becomes a little bit Star Wars, yet is still true. This little path might be best described as an astronomical wormhole through the vast reaches of confused and fallen reality.

Right away a new sense of sin begins to develop. It's imperative now to see that sin is dragging God in the present moment into the slime, with you. Your full sense of God in the moment of right-now is dragged through your sin. Take God everywhere with you and soon you will start to fear sin because it's a slap in God's face. It would be like taking your wife or husband to the scene your adultery. The only reason for doing such a thing would be to humiliate them, and it's horrible to consider that that is precisely how we treat God.

Solitary Life for God, Part II

The words hermit, and solitary, for most people conjure up images of a misfit, loner. In England there was such a thing as Ornamental Hermits. It was a part of good garden design. It is, and has always been, considered an extreme way of life. There is the assumption that such a person following the eremitic path is somehow not quite right in the head. While that may be true in some cases, or in many cases, it is not true in all.

Before going any further with the discussion I want to take a serious look at the Code of Canon Law has to say about the eremitic life.

Canon 603:

1. Besides institutes of consecrated life, the Church recognizes the eremitic or anchoritic life by which the Christian faithful devote their life to the praise of God and salvation of the world through a stricter separation from the world, the silence of solitude and assiduous prayer and penance.
2. A hermit is recognized in the law as one dedicated to God in a consecrated life if he or she publicly professes the three evangelical counsels confirmed by a vow or other sacred bond, in the hands of the diocesan bishop and observes his or her own plan of life under his direction

The plan of life consists of strict separation; silence of solitude; assiduous prayer and penance.
The plan of life is also a large part of my Lay Cistercian rule. The following are some thoughts on various aspects of the plan of life.

1. Strict Separation

   1. one definition implies a change, an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another

   2. Divergence from the world, from the old ways of doing things, to the new.

   3. The space where a division, or parting occurs.

   4. Strict: Precise and absolute keeping within the narrow limits.

   5. Strict does not prevent any contact with the world, it requires maintaining boundary lines.

   6. Enclosure is support for strict separation.

      • The mind under guard of Christ acts as enclosure

      • The heart is our affections, those things which arouse our emotions.

      • The body is the home of all we are on earth, and physical enclosure

2. Solitude is both interior and exterior.

   1. Interior solitude comes as a result of quieting and guarding the mind from all types of passions and emotions.

      • That is the solitude sought for, and is the work of a lifetime.

      • Quieting the mind and passions and emotions is what we may achieve in this life.

      • Live your life focused on God alone, and you will have solitude.

   2. Exterior solitude is the environment which surrounds our solitude.

      • Inviolate space is unlikely outside of religious institutions, but your house must be such an institution.

      • We do not throw dinner parties for diversion. Instead we practice agape when we eat with others. Solitude is thus protected.

3. Prayer and Penance.

   1. The Liturgy of the Hours, is the primary work of the day.

      • The overriding point of the day is that day's liturgy. Discovered by

        • antiphons

        • readings

   2. Life is a state of prayer when our attention is focused upon the reality of what we profess to believe, that God is in all things, all places.

      • God is encountered in others

      • in creation

      • in every creature

      • in nature

      • in weather

      • No matter where one looks, or what one sees, God is the only thing that we see, or can be seen, and for that reason we use diversions, forgetfulness, or other forms of escape so we will not have to remain with God's glory.

   3. One form of Penance is to deny diversion and escape, and to remain in the presence of God.

      • Are not other acts of penance designed to bring us to that state?

      • Is that not the harshest of all penances?

4. The goal of this life is the penance of being present to God, as God is present to us.

   1. This is the very creation of the desire to pray

   2. Exposure to such an awareness can only lead one to prayer.

Solitary Life for God

Sometimes you just have to stop and say, "where am I?" That has been my experience for the past several months since I began attending Gethsemani on a daily basis. My spiritual life did not begin last summer, but it has grown in ways I'd never anticipated. For years I'd believed that if I were frequently able to be near the Abbey I would be more likely to hold onto the slender thread of my own cooperation in grace. On the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart, I will have been going to mass at Gethsemani for one year. My first meeting with Fr. James was on the Feast of St. Lutgarde who

When once asked by Our Lord what gift she wanted, she replied: "I want Your Heart." To which Jesus responded: "I want your heart." Then Our Blessed Lord granted the Saint a very special grace. He mystically exchanged hearts with her. St. Lutgarde is the first known mystic to receive this grace.

It was Fr. James many years ago who was serving as guest master during a very significant retreat I took in the 90s. It's hard to express, but I suppose I had experienced an auditory vision. There was no voice except in me, but the voice was clearly not me, because it told me, a Fundamentalist born,

Look into my Heart of Infinite Compassion

And I did look into it. The problem was that I had no frame of reference for understanding anything to do with theological hearts. As the experience took place at Gethsemani, I asked the guest master one morning after breakfast. After telling him what had happened, he said, "God is telling you something." I acknowledged that was the case and being me, asked what I might read to help me get a grip on the subject. He said he'd check in their library.

That afternoon I was sitting in the guest library when he showed up, and this time he had a stack of books. Most of the books were written around the time of the Second Vatican Council, and revolved around the question of 'what's the use of this overdone, maudlin, and saccharine devotion?' The range of opinion was far reaching, and just wide enough for me to gather the specifics.

1. The heart that beat in the Jesus own human body, beats at this moment before God.
   
2. What had been on earth, as it was on earth, is now in heaven because Jesus ascended body and soul, not just soul.
3. A spear pierced Jesus side and that is the wound where we may enter Jesus Heart.
   

There was a lot of added devotional practices, including specific promises of the Sacred Heart. Those three points though, they provided all I needed to be easy and restful with what I'd begun to experience as the Heart of Infinite Compassion.

An interval of several years passed before the move to Bardstown came like the end of the Third Act of an Opera Seria. There was a time of suffering that drove me after many years, out to see a monk at Gethsemani who was going to act as my spiritual director in 2006.

It didn't take long before I realized that Fr. James was the guestmaster from back in 1990 something. There was connection number one. He pointed out that we were meeting on the Feast of St. Lutgarde, whom I had never heard of before. I then said that Sacred Heart was later that week. Fr. James said, You should come.

I did and have been since.

Now all of the previous is my way of introduction to what is becoming my reflection on my upcoming anniversary of intentional, and daily participation in the liturgical life of the Abbey. And, as I have mentioned in earlier post, I have met two Solitaries.

Because of various reasons, my life has become rather solitary. In the early years of my solitude I resented it, and fought hard against it. Again and again nothing changed. It seemed to be part of my vocation that I would never be a part of a monastic community. That made me very sad, because from my early teens that was what I wanted most of all. At that time too many things stood between me and my early vocation.

Now I can see that God was awakening me to that life, but not calling me specifically to life in a monastery. For thirty years that has confused me, the vocation and the impossible barriers, at least to me, to live it out. It didn't lessen my deep need to live the vocation, so I had to make do with what I had. And here I am, on the cusp of age 50, and finding myself in all but name, a Solitary. I have learned that it is possible simply to be, for the sake of being, because being is a glorification of God. My awareness of that simple fact makes every second of life an act of vocation.

I think this is enough for today. Undoubtedly, this is my longest post ever. Pray for me. And more to follow.

Annunciation, Solemnity

I did a Google image search this morning for Annunciation. This was my favorite of them all. This isn't an unapproachable Theotokos, this is a girl facing the unkown, trusting God to not destroy her life, or her reputation.

The Orthodox have a chapel over a well where Mary would have drawn water, as would have everyone else in Nazareth. In the chapel is depicted the angel appearing to Mary, but she is running away, her water jar broken on the ground.


What is this day really about? Is it about the announcement of Jesus coming birth? An advance press release, of sorts? This is big news! God is going to be born in a human body. It's the type of message you'd give in a press conference to announce, and run endlessly on the 24hr news shows. Surely the angel should have gone to the Temple and told the authorities.

But no, what happens is a young girl is told. Just a child by our standards. Perhaps 13 or 14, the age where today we would have sent any man to prison for having sex with her. And, because the angel did not go to the Temple and fill them in, or her parents, or the town, she's going to end up pregnant and everyone is going to think she's a slut. That had to have crossed her mind. She knew what unwed mothers faced in those days.

Did she mention any of that to the angel? No. What did Mary say?

But Mary said to the angel,
“How can this be,
since I have no relations with a man?”

And only one more thing did the child/woman say.

“Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord.
May it be done to me according to your word.”

Thursday, Lent 4

This morning I spoke for the third time to one of the solitaries. It is the state of life I'm already living. Doing what I do is a solitary pursuit. More and more my prayers are bringing clarity on one thing, I should choose what already is, and offer it to God in a vowed state of life.

My need for vows confuses a lot of people. Some clergy say they understand, but most do not. At least it was that way in the Episcopal Church, where the Bishop essentially dismissed the idea outright. There are two Internet sites that are excellent information sources: The Hermitary, and Raven's Bread.

I will post more about this as time goes on.

Lent 4, Tuesday

Religious Solitaries. What are they exactly? There are two Solitaries who I see very often at Gethsemani, although I have only spoken twice. Since discovering that they were solitary, I left them more or less alone. This morning I spoke to one of them for the first time.

Let me back up. The first I met and spoke with told me about Canon 603 which deals with Solitaries. We spoke a second time not long ago in the library. There is another one that I asked this morning if she were a Solitary. She is.

When I take a look at my life, what I see is someone who is already solitary. My question is how do I turn what already is, into a vowed state of life? I want to know of what the life consists, what is the day like? And, what is the work that is fitting for a solitary?

St. Joseph, Solemnity

Today is the Solemnity of St. Joseph, Spouse of the BVM. In the Old Style Breviary the link between Joseph who was Sold as a Slave, and Joseph the {Foster} Father of Jesus is made explicit. I'd never thought of that link before. Isn't it interesting that the Holy Spirit finds ways to teach us things most often in those things that we already know.

Somehow the connection seems rather more like a leap based on the similarity of their names alone. That, and both went to Egypt -- for very different reasons. Or, is it that like Elijah, who the apostle taught was John the Baptist, who proclaimed Christ, Joseph again acted, this time to protect the infant body of Jesus. Much has been made of the connection between Mary and the infant Christ. And rightly so. However, the role of 'dad' has been left out. A father is someone who is to protect and provide, certainly that was the case in Jesus' time. And it seems that Joseph did just that, before he disappeared completely after he and Mary managed to leave Jesus behind in Jerusalem.

Tradition says Joseph died before Jesus began his ministry. Now, we come to some profitable food for lectio divina. Whatever period Joseph lived after their finding Jesus teaching in the temple, we can assume that he and Jesus had a personal, father/son relationship. Joseph taught him things. Joseph taught him how to be a man, and what it meant to be a man. Part of Jesus character was formed by the man we call St. Joseph. It would be easy to add sugar on top of this and make it like a fantasy novel. The difference is that all creation worked to bring Christ to birth in Jesus, and that is no fantasy.

I have never prayed to St. Joseph. Honestly, I don't know that I've given him too much thought at all. Perhaps we are wrong to not show him in the icons of mother and child. Perhaps he is not in the icon because of the sexual implication, however it would be shallow in the extreme to get caught up in that.

There is a greater lesson for us in St. Joseph, earthly father of Jesus. For so long as Jesus lived in Joseph's house, Jesus was in subjection to Joseph. We might assume that Joseph was just as carefully chosen as Mary. God did not put Himself into the hands of a violent, abusive man. No, God gave His Own Body to Joseph who was so good a man, that he would not expose Mary to the law, which he had every legal right to do. He was a man of mercy, and of love. So it was this man of mercy, and love, who was chosen to raise into adulthood the Savior of the World.

I do recommend going through the Old Style liturgy and checking out the art works, and as always, the responsories. I do love responsories.

What Do You Want?

What do you want of me, O Lord?
You move about in the basement of me/myself and I,
Picking up pieces of junk laying about, removing them.
You came and made yourself known,
Then to the basement you went. Commanding,
"Wait here."
I sit up here in the my spiritual house and wait.
I hear you, there. I feel you, there.
I know you are there.

You promised to pack me full of blessings like a cup of flour, packed.
In my basement you are working.
Since that is true,
and so also the church confesses
Then your blessings should be visible!
What is that racket down there?
What are you doing down there?
Come up where I can see you, or let me come down.

No, God prefers to work alone.
Imagine it, my basement is such a mess
only God can fix it. Nasty stuff laying around.
Most of it very old, too.
Doesn't matter, for God is up to something
down there, in my basement.

Sometimes God says
"Shut up! Listen."
And when my soul falls to the floor
I am quieted, aware, and hearing
The sounds in the basement -
Where God is working -
Are not sounds at all.
It is speech of a very strange kind.
Heard by my breathing
By my hearing
By my seeing
Only in the soul.
Without my lungs
Or my ears
Or my eyes.

"I love you, and through you, the world.
Can you bear it?"

I say, "Hasn't Jesus already done that?"

"Will you bear My Love, not Jesus' Cross?
Will you allow My Love to come through you
to every soul you encounter, so long as you live?"

I say, "Yes. But I am worthless to this task."

"My Love is a purifying flame
Look, your sins. I burn them up.
They are gone."

Eight Non-Smoking Weeks Complete

Today I put on the 7mg. patch. In two weeks time I will be finished with the patches. More important, I will be a ten week non smoker. That doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you something, at the beginning I wasn't even sure I'd make a day, much less ten weeks. If I can make ten weeks, then I can make forty more years.

Usually when I get out of bed my mind is calm. This morning it was not calm. Of course, having dreamed all night, and being under the weather equalled a bad night, surely didn't help. I woke up too late to go to the monastery for mass, and I'm not sure I would have gone anyway because I was dizzy for the first forty minutes out of bed.

So, after morning prayer, and reading the news, I finally settled down and prayed, "Speak Lord, your servant listens." Within fifty seconds it became a clear message. "Put a nicotene patch on." Sometimes it pays to obey.

Lent 3, Thursday, and a Regional Meeting at the Abbey

An slew of monks and nuns have appeared at Gethsemani. It's the Regional Meeting, and enough are in attendance that special desks have been put up in aisle between the choir to accommodate all of them. In a way, it's rather exciting because this is a sign of life in the Order. True, these people are not new vocations, but the monks and nuns are active, planning, coping, whatever it is they do...they are doing it faithfully.

Thus far in Lent the Liturgy at Gethseamni has been more quiet than usual, and the music has turned minor in mode. The organ has played very little, including Sundays. This morning was different. This morning the organ played sprightly as we shuffled forward to get the mass leaflets. Where it was printed Mass of the Holy Spirit. They were opening the meeting, I suppose. The Gloria was even sung. I think there were nearly 20 priests, it didn't occur to me to count them. In other words, it was a big day. There was further evidence of that in the guesthouse where doors no long have numbers, but now have the name of the occupant.

It's not often you see a whole bunch of Trappists all in the same place. If you can't tell already, it has impressed me.

God's Peace.

Week 3 Lent Tuesday

Wow, it's been a week since I updated the blog. I feel like a slacker now. Good or bad, my blogging is done as obedience. It is a discipline for me to seriously consider, at least every few days, where I am in my spiritual life. Since it is meant to be a discipline, and not just an exhibitionist fantasy, I must be more faithful to it in the future.

I downloaded Counsels and Reminiscences of St. Therese of Lisieux. I read through them and will probably read them again within the next couple of days. I am struck initially by how simplistic she sounds. Also, that she is remembered as a happy and recollected woman. My feeling is that Therese was possessor of total conversion. She saw that all it takes is a slight change in attitude and you see all the world alive with God. Her attitude was different from mine in so far as I do not have her total conversion. I have seen the way the she sees, but it only lasts a moment before my particular sins/demons/etc. show up and carry it all away.

You could say that she always speaks in Uber Holy-Speak, but it has to be understood that in the devotional climate of her time she sounded perfectly natural. She was late Victorian for heaven sake. Still, even with the layers of sugar over her, I am slowly becoming more and more converted to her way of seeing. When you stand non-resistant to God, anything can--and will--happen.

Also, I am almost finished with Fully Human, Fully Divine: An Interactive Christology. Michael Casey, OCSO. I didn't think to take him seriously when in the Introduction he mentions that it should take you from months, to a full year, to read the book. It didn't take me a year, but it has taken a couple of months, no, closer to three months. A book that size I can read in a day if I have to. The power of the book is the interactive part. It is a very, very serious call to Christ.

Tuesday, Lent 2

Today was hard to get up and actually go out there for mass. When getting up and going seems a dreadful proposition, the best thing to do is get up and go, anyway. The more I do not want to go, the more I need to go. They seem to be issues that are proportionally balanced: the greater my lack of desire, the greater my real need. Now, when I'm happy to go, when I just can't wait to get up and go, those are the gifted days. They are days when for no real reason God just sends a joy in His presence.

Today was not a graceful waking up. Stuffy head, achy joints...who needs it. Well, I do. So I got up and went anyway. At the risk of sounding over the top I will say that at mass today, during the words of institution, the Lord spoke most quietly to me. It's rather like this: a person in your life you long to see, but have not seen in a long time. You value them deeply. One day, at a public event, someone comes up beside you and puts an arm around you. It is that person! They have sneaked up and embraced you. Then, they have to leave. Gone. No longer there. There is a glowing memory of them, though, and you do bear it in your body by the sensations of happiness you feel. When we are told that we "bear Christ" in our bodies, then when we take communion we take into ourselves the very being of Christ.

It's like that. No flashing lights, no sounding klaxons, trumpets, angel choirs; God alone. The one that really waits for us is Jesus. When I don't want to go out to the Abbey for mass, I go, and that is when Jesus is most present.

The only purpose of this blog is to be a record of my spiritual life, a journal of my soul's journey to God, as best I can in this mortal life. To that end extends my sole ambition for this blog. In a way, that creates anonymity. Because of that I have made this entry, and am toying with the idea of making a memorial of this day for the rest of my life.

Finding Good In Others

Usually it is not a challenge to find good in others, even if you don't mention it. The truth is that everyone, in some way, has a spark of beauty, a spark of good, also. It might be harder with some than with others. That's no reason to not look for it anyway.

I am thinking about this because of a commentary on a few chapters of the Rule of Benedict. On this particular page, where the commentator says,

It seems to be a part of human nature, however, to find the weaknesses of others. Once we find their weaknesses, then we tend to discount anything they have to say if it gets into the way of what we really want to do. This is not a good way of living, spiritually. Humanly, of course, we get just what we want. Spiritually, we are called to seek God and we know that that often means walking on the path of sacrifice and suffering.

This says that we should face the fact that we zero in on the weakness of others, especially those we might not like, and see nothing else they do, not even and especially the good they might do. We do this in order to get what we want, to manipulate others to our own desires! That is a sickening type of sin. It causes spiritual nausea.

Later in the page, I found a promise of a new way of life. One that,

calls us to another way of living. A way of living that is clearly in Christ Jesus and is willing to listen to one another and accept one another, even after we have seen each other's faults and weaknesses. We need a great deal of faith to do this.

This is the way out of the cycle of sin, or karmic wheel, whatever anyone wants to call it. We live in our bodies and therefore in the realm of sin. Yes, creation is beautiful, and yes, we are redeemed, but we are also subject to sin while we live in this body.

Why the focus on this today? Because I am being called to conversion on this issue. I don't go around looking only for the bad points in people, but in some it is very hard to not find so many bad points you start to feel a little afraid of them. That is no way to live in Christ. So, I hand this over to God as of this moment.

Friday, Lent 1

Friday is a busy day, I have to be at the stop smoking meeting at 10:00 AM. After that I need to get some notes written for my 4:30 PM meeting for spiritual direction with Fr. James. Items to talk about don't stick in the mind like they used to do...when I was in my 20s. So, I write it down. No doubt, renunciations will be one of the subjects.

There is a change in my prayer life, subtle but discernible. I think my prayer life leaking into my day-to-day life, and it feels much different than I thought it would. I hesitate to say it, but it feels like a not-objectionable constraint. Hesitate might not be the right word. Perhaps Fr. James can help me pick it out. An example wouldn't be out of place here.

There are a number of things that I should be worried about. Things that are important, and pressing, and something will soon have to be done. Each of those are something to worry about, to feel anxious about. Yet, this new constraint is holding it all at rest, awaiting the action of God. Therefore, the only anxiety I feel is from the effort of not taking control away from God.