A Long Week

A long and difficult week makes for poor blogging. My high blood pressure, the stress of things in my personal life, and getting my feelings hurt have all conspired to make my brain a dry clod. The hurt feelings stand out only because of my reaction. I felt like someone who had just been found guilty of a great offense and publicly humiliated. I promise you, the feelings had no relation to how minor the incident really was. That got me to thinking about how tricky our feelings really are.

In the past year it has become ever clearer to me that feelings are not the reality of who I am. Feelings/emotions lie. Fr. James told me that one of the past Abbots used to say "go by faith, not by feelings." What I've come to believe is that feelings, when paid too much attention, draw us away from God. It is a kind of idolatry of self.

Now that I'm aware of a Solitary calling, I am able to let my feelings come, observe them, and let them go. Constantly remembering that God is my protector, friend, lover, and shield, I have no need to try and understand my feelings. They just come, and they go. So, whatever it is you wish to call it -- evil power, mental captivity -- feelings can be a trap that turns our eyes from God to ourselves.

That doesn't mean feelings have no reality, for they do. Another reality of feelings is how they are a tool of damaged psyches to keep us in the captivity of "self." Feelings can lead us to believe that we are unloved, unlovable, and beyond redemption! Those feelings are disordered, and clearly the weapon of "the dark side."

If the Lord wishes me to understand something from these feelings, then it will be shown to me. Otherwise, I'm going on with my life, and my prayers, just as before, making no changes.