Desolation has not the last word

Over the past week I've learned very clearly that desolation is also a time of great temptation. As if that were not enough, every sin of my past has come back to me with vigor, to discourage me from perusing my chosen spiritual path. "See how unholy you really are." That type of thing.

The point of course is that I am not unholy. If I believed every insinuation by the enemy spirit [oh my did I say that!?] I would be utterly despondent by now. This was not happening before I decided to become Roman Catholic, and pursue the life of a religious solitary. Interesting. Especially since the prime attack seems to be temptations mixed with horrible feelings of regret; things that urge me to hate myself. Which is the direct opposite of God's love for me. Therefore it is indeed desolation.

Yesterday, on my way to mass, during the usual barrage of horrible memories, discouraging conclusions, etc., it occurred to me that these thoughts should not be taken personally. The thoughts, urgings, all the painful stuff, it only wants to pray!

Let me repeat that. All the agony of our past, when it rises to the top, is not there to torment us, it is there wishing to pray. We must pray for it, as a memory is not something that can pray. When it rises it has to be let lose to God, immediately. If you hesitate, it becomes harder and harder to let it go. It seems that this applies most easily in times of desolation.

And now I've lapses into that type of spiritual writing I most detest. Assurances of spiritual truth dressed up in pious phrases, which sound wonderful, and comforting, but do not give the truth of the experience which prompted the writing.

The proof I have to offer is what it has accomplished in me. After I realized that the pain only wanted me to pray for it, to be open to let it pray, it went away. At mass, Fr. James was homilist, and he quoted Romans, that nothing "will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

My proof is the comfort, and grace that flowed into my heart.

Indeed, what can even hope to " separate us[me] from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."