Yet more

After writing the previous post today, it seemed right to go into some of the thoughts, feelings, that went on today. I didn't want to go to mass. Lucky I remembered that if I'm not sick, or prevented, I'm going, and I went on to mass. All morning it sat on my mind, that question of "what's with this not wanting to go?"

On my way to mass I let myself ease down mentally. The whole apple cart is overturned by a single apple that moves too fast down the stack of apples. It causes an avalanche, and the cart eventually turns over...because...the driver tries to stop it, just making it worse. So, when I get excited, it's like an apple rolling down a carefully stacked cart. It causes an avalanche.

Why did this avalanche very nearly occur? Because suddenly I had to ingest a great deal of training in consumer driven health care. That's a lot of stuff. It took up a great deal of time, and time is yet to be spent studying. And I'm deeply excited about it all.

Excitement is the problem. I can no longer jump on my excitement boat, Number 7, and tear off into La-La Land. God is the center. I can say God is in charge, but we all know that we ourselves can let the subtle voice of God be glossed over by the ripples of life-work-family-fear-blahblah blah. God is in charge so long as I keep my eyes directly focused on God. Can I work and do that? OF course.

When you pray for something and it comes, then you are forced to take responsibility for the gift. If morning mass at Gethsemani is the tool to focus my eyes and my responsibility, keeping it ever in my mind, then so be it. I love to go out there, but it does eat gas and require very early rising. It's hard to work and do that, because sometimes I'll be working until 10pm. So, on those days I'll go to Nazareth, or St. Joseph's. But, it is the discipline of the drive, and the expense, that makes going to Gethsemani not only a joy, but an acceptable sacrifice.